I just received word that my lumbar puncture (spianal tap) and MRI from three weeks ago were normal. I have mixed feelings. I was hoping for answers this time around.

God's timing not mine.

There was another suicide in Pikangikum this morning— Noreena Strang, a wife and a mother of five. I knew her and some of her children. It's just not fair.

I know, it's been forever. I wonder how many of my blog posts begin that way? I really do like updating... really.

Okay since my last post. I survived my time in Pikangikum. People often ask if I had a fun summer. "Fun" isn't a word I would use to describe it. I am glad that I was there and had the experiences I did. I learned a lot about who I am and who God is. I also learned a lot about what the Aboriginal youth face.

I returned to Red Lake about a month ago. Just in time to go to Winnipeg with my dad and sisters for a Third Day concert and talk by Ron Hutchcraft. While Third Day isn't one of my favourite bands, they put on a great concert. They had a wonderful, fun yet worshipful stage presence. Those guys were there to worship God and bring their audience to the same place. It was beautiful. I neared tears often through the evening. I was also blessed to see some of the On Eagle's Wings team that had been in Pikangikum.

The next two weeks were a lot of wedding plans and such for by friend Brenna. Then on the 19 th of August she got married in a beautiful wedding ceremony and we had a lovely reception. It was so much fun and at the same time really sad. That means she's gone... No longer just a phone call from a cup of coffee together. Her and her new husband are looking for a house and jobs in British Columbia... that's a long ways away.

We also had our mission meetings the week before the wedding. It was interesting balancing wedding brunches in the coffee breaks from the meetings, but it was a great time. I was encouraged and challenged by our speaker. I did feel a little out of place because I was the youngest of the staff and just felt young.

Sunday afternoon/evening I spent with the best man, Jon. He didn't have anything to do, and I was bored. It was nice to walk downtown with someone who wasn't from here. It was like showing off my quaint little town and experiencing it anew at the same time. I had a wonderful time.

The next morning my dad and I picked Jon up early and headed to winnipeg. I felt adventurous. I had two appointments lined up in Winnipgeg and I didn't have my health insurance yet. So, we made a stop in Kenora, held our breaths, said a prayer, and walked into the building. God was good and I walked out with a health card.

Starving, I arrived in Winnipeg. For three hours Jon and my dad found it necessary to discuss food. All food, any food—mostly food that I craved. I, following doctor's orders, lifted my nalgene to my mouth and gulped down water like it was the best thing I could ever put into my mouth.

I was very thankful for that decision later when after a second stab with a very large needle, I felt as if the watery contents of my stomach would make an appearance and my world would become black. My neurologist, being the nice torturer he is, laid me down for another two tries at stealing my brain's precious fluid. I didn't realize how much my brain valued that fluid, but over the next five days it didn't let me forget that I had robbed it of it's precious horde of fluid.

Since then I've been working dilligently on support raising. I finished my big mailing and I feel relieved. Now, I await the response. :) I am also working on the design for the newsletter of the new organization and might be doing the calendar design as well. I'm excited!

It's late now, and this is way too long. I'm tired and I'm doing a dance in church tomorrow, so I need to get some rest. Love you all!

Well, it’s time to fill you in on my last week. My last blog I was complaining and I have half a mind to continue to do so. My life was really difficult this week and I often felt at the end of my rope, but God has managed to make sure my days ended in laughter. It almost made me mad. Sometimes I would just rather be angry and smoldering.
After I wrote that stupid blog on Saturday I found out about a suicide in Red Lake. I knew the boy, not extremely well, but I knew him none the less. Then a few hours later, right before I left for Pik, I was told that a thirteen year old girl had suicided. Then I really didn’t want to go. I hate dealing with that pain. I hate seeing what suicide does to the community, to the friends, to the family, and I hate thinking of how Satan uses it to take so many lives. Makes me furious.
When I got there a bunch of Tracy’s (the girl who suicided) friends were at the house, so I spent the rest of the day hanging out with them. These girls are too young to have lost one of their best friends to suicide, way too young.
Sunday morning we found out there had been another death. This time it was a 3 month old baby girl. I still don’t know why she died. I saw her yesterday. Coffin’s shouldn’t come in that size, so tiny. Lives shouldn’t end at 3 months or 13 years.
Tracy’s funeral was on Thursday. It didn’t even look like her. I felt like I was going to puke. My heart was exploding with emotion, but not a single tear could be shed. As I held one of her sobbing close cousins my heart was breaking but the walls holding the tears in were like a firm dyke and not a leak made it through. Dry sobs escaped every now and then, followed by a wave of anger. My anger seemed to have no where to go and yet everywhere at the same time.
Anger at the way the funerals are here is one. They feel rehearsed, like it’s just going through the motions. As though they’re a normal thing, something that happens all the time. Maybe because they do.
The laughter was there this week as well. One involved an “Emily panic moment.” Nothing new, eh? But this time I really thought my gruesome death was at hand. I could hear the news being passed on. “Emily was murdered in Pikangikum by angry youth.” It began as a quiet evening... well for 20 minutes it was quiet, that almost counts as a record. Then there was a knock at the door, I went to answer it and recognized my good friend Mario Keeper (for Red Lake people, that’s “Chief Keeper, Chief Mario Keeper”) so I opened the door to let my friend in. The moment that door opened a crack, Mario pushed through with an absolute look of terror on his face, trying desperately to get the door closed as quickly as he could, even before he was completely inside. I immediately thought the worse: a gang of sniffers, angry guys, drunk men all coming to hurt Mario, and because he came to us for help they were going to kill us as well. I ran for my life, with Mario close behind me, and apparently I screamed. I don’t remember screaming but later the pain in my throat told me that I did. Finally, when the panic subsided enough for me to hear reason, I found out what exactly Mario was running from—Polar Bear, a large, white, mean dog. This resulted in side-splitting laughter. When there were more noises at door Colleen proceeded to answer it. Polar Bear apparently still wanted Mario’s blood and tried to come in. I climbed to the nearest elevated safe-haven I could find—the freezer and waited to heroically fight off the beast. Colleen managed to keep him outside and us out of harm’s way. We spent the next 10 minutes roaring laughter, I felt so wonderful after that.
There were also exciting things like a fire. For which I filled numerous buckets of water only to discover that it wasn’t as large as originally reported and that it was mostly put out. There are also the possessed horde of mosquitos that do things like turn the faucet on (honestly I think I left it on) and continue to dive-bomb us during the night. Laughing at the potential reaction of a VBS leader when told that he had to stay another night in Pik. Colleen coming to the window pretending to be a kid.
I just got back from fishing. It was a wonderful break and it was good to refresh my fishing skills. Four of my fish made it on the string, one almost made it on but made one last wiggle attempt out of my hands, and a couple were on, but escaped before I could bring them safely to shore. It was a wonderful fishing spot off of a rocky point and I think I’ll take quite a few more afternoons out on that point for more than one reason.
Anyways this is long, thank you for sharing in my life! If you want specifics to pray about here are a few.
- ministry in general
- energy
- the community of Pikangikum
- my leg hurts all of the time, and it gets really bothersome.|

I feel so mixed up... am I happy or upset? I decided I need to make some lists... I love lists :) First the things that I'm upset about and that are bothering me right now, some are big issues some are minute. The second list are my positives things that make me happy, big and small.

~@~Negatives~@~
I'm not going to Arts Camp this year, the rest of my family is already there. This is the first time in 5 years that I'm not going.
My spinal tap and MRI were cancelled
I don't have answers. I'm still clueless and sick.
My work papers haven't come through
My leg is in constant pain now, and there's nothing I can do to make it go away, and I don't know why it's there. It just gets written off as something that's associated with the unknown sickness.
I'm not ready to go back into Pikangikum
I stress-ate last night, meaning unhealthy fattening stuff, and I feel sick now.
I'm tired
I have to wait until mid-August to see my family again.
I'm hungry but don't want to eat.
I haven't received an email that I really, really want
My parents are having a hard time letting me go

~@~Positives~@~
I'm alive
I get to fly this afternoon... I love planes and flying.
I don't have a whole in my spine and I don't have to deal with the air pressure affecting the wound.
I can sit up and walk around and not worry about the splitting headache
I get to hang out with a bunch of youth this week.
I live in the most beautiful place in the world
I have awesome friends.
I love my family
I have a job
I'm doing what I love
I have God, and he's what's pulling me through
My little brother rocks my world
I'm happy
I got some new clothes on on thursday
I dropped another jean size
I can wiggle my toes
I fit into a pair of size 10 jeans
I had shrimp for dinner last night
I had coffee with awesome friends this morning
I had a few days of "vacation"
I've been watching CSI Miami, Heratio maks me laugh with his cheesy lines
My hair is soft today
I love lists
I'm packed and ready to go
There's fresh peaches in my kitchen
I have avadacos to take with me back to Pik
It's a beautiful day
I can see the lake right now
God is amazing

Anyways... I've decided I could go on and on the blessings list, so many! I feel so much better :D Thanks for putting up with this.

Well, today is the day. I know that my life is going to change today and I don't know how I feel about it. I mean my life spends so much changing, that I barely have time to catch up and process what is happening. I feel like my time at home has been so short, and I feel so unprepared for my next leg of the journey. I feel a little overwhelmed. I haven't processed everthing from Grassy and now I'm moving on. Don't get my wrong, I chose to do this and I want to, but I'm a little scared. Yes, I'm scared of yet another change. I don't know why, but I am.
Part of my just wants to stay put. Just for awhile... the other half of me wants to go anywhere I can possibly go. The latter half is what has been driving me recently.
Do you ever feel like God led and directed you in one direction, but right before you take the step, He's no where to be found? I just feel all alone on this side right now, but I know that God is waiting for me after I take this step. He'll be there when I crumble from exhaustion after just one step. A step that spans two cultures, lifestyles, new experiences, new friends, and new trials. Just this one step will change me forever... maybe that's what I'm scared of. Everytime I take a huge step, I get changed. It's always for the better, but my dreams and passions always change as I change. Maybe I don't what that to happen. Maybe I'm happy with where I am right now. Yes, I want to grow more Christ-like, it's my daily prayer... but can't I do that without having my dreams changed? I know the answer to that question. When I gave and continue to give my everything over to God, my dreams are included in that package. I want him to control them, I really do. He's the one that gave them to me, their not really mine after-all, their His.
I think I need to go prepare for my journey. This one requires light luggage (physical and spiritual) and a big heart. All need some working on right now.

I did way too much travelling and not enough sleeping and drove through two seperate nights. The last night of driving was quite eventful for me... I became a murder. I had just started a "shift" of driving and had a mug full of awful coffee to keep me going. My dad had fallen fast asleep in the passenger seat and I was listening to the iPod. A Collective Addiction song came on and I picked up my mug, passed one of those "If lights are flashing animal present on road." (btw don't trust those). All the sudden my headlights met two deer standing along the side of the road. My headlights acted as their cue to attempt a mad dash across the road in front of my car. I hit the brakes, glanced in the mirror and headed to the other lane and let out a famous "Weaver woman gasp." My dad sat straight up in time to see the deer make contact with the front right side of the car. The deer managed to crack my plastic Saturn in two places and taking some of that plastic with her, cracked the hub cap on my tire, dented the hood and disabled the right front blinker...but my dad said that he was very impressed at how I handled teh car in the situation. :D That made me feel better.

I proved my bush woman-hood today. We had some students over for a bbq at lunch today, and I, being the nice girl that I am, told the guys that they can be in charge of the fire. I came out 5 min later and here were three guys aged 14-25 trying to get a measley little fire to stay and I was standing there evaluating the situation, the fire died. I decided that these "bush" boys, who've grown up on a reserve, in the middle of the bush, must've stayed from their traditional ways and were in need of my yuppie, white-city girl assistance. As I took apart the few logs clustered together, I discovered a pile of about 15 used matches, remnants of the now dead fire (RIP). So I instructed the guys to grab me some twigs, they ran off while I stripped a birch log. One returned and I told him to build a log cabin, with a confused stare and a little "oh" he proceeded to put the twigs down in what he thought was a log cabin. It looked more like a teepee, so I decided to stick with the Native log cabin... sorta, I "civilized" it a little with some extra support, then stuck my birch bark right in the centre. With one graceful swoop I struck my single match and lit my birch bark. The teepee/log cabin burst into flames as i carefully added my logs and then I placed my oven rack on top of the two cement blocks, and viola! I nice roaring fire in under two minutes, one match and some rain and wind thrown in for the excitement of it all. They "bush" boys were quite impressed and commented on the fact that they were just shown up by a white woman.

Oh, I feel good! Where's a mountian? I feel like I should stand on top.